Memories of light
by IvyBliss
Summary: The Dark Swan finds herself on the outskirts of town with a mysterious guest who appenrently is here to help the Dark Swan finally accept herself as she is
1. Dark Swan

Emma Swan walked through the mirrored room dazed. Stopping the Dark Swan looked at her reflection confused, her hair was tumbling down her back in curls just like it had a year ago she was still dressed in the tight glossy leather pants and leather jacket it look odd her bright complexion clashing hideously with the darkness of her clothes. Emma scowled at herself in the mirror, she hated the person she had become; a monster. She had thrown away everything she held dear Henry, Killian, her family and friends, she longed for a party in Granny's hook by her side Henry with his book and her parents with Neal. She longed to visit Neal's grave with her son to cry over heartache, she longed to feel anything something that was worth feeling.


	2. That should do it indeed

"Are you just going to stare at yourself all day, I heard you where vain but wow" Emma snapped out of her trance to see a young girl around Henrys age dressed in a ballet leotard tights and ballet shoes. She looked around noticing a ballet Barre, the girl walked up to the Barre and suddenly music started. The child practised Ballet as Emma walked around the newly reformed room her heels clicked against the wooden floor as she moved to stand in front of the child who was lost in the rhythm of the dainty music.

"Where are we? " The child carried on practicing as she spoke.

" Stoeybrookes ballet studio on the outskirts of town" Emma shifted from on foot to another.

"why... Who are you.?" The child stopped dancing and the music stopped suddenly the child was no longer in dance attire but suited a white lace dress that stopped a over her knee and floated like a feather in the breeze.

"Daisy, Daisy Jones" Emma smiled thinking back to when Killian and herself had been thinking about the future he had made her laugh by saying 'we should name out kid Davey Jones' and she asked 'what if it's a girl?' He had said 'then Daisy shall have to suffice'. Daisy smiled strangely Emma wondered for a second if the child was reading her mind, Emma shook it off speaking her thoughts.

"Daisy Jones funny cute" Emma rose an eyebrow "A play on names I guess?" The girl- Daisy shrugged

"You should know it was you and dad who had the idea" Emma stuttered and froze on the spot. * _you and dad_ * she thought _*Me and Killian_ Daisy nodded " that's the one come along people will be arriving soon, they can't see you but they can see me. " Emma scowled at the back of Daisy's headed as she fluttered away like a fairy. The light hitting the girls blonde hair like an ultra violet light revealing hints of brown and darker blonde strewn throughout it. The child led Emma out of the studio and into the open air from here she could see the town Ruby setting out Granny's sign. Her mom and dad walking leisurely with Neal in the stroller, they where all happy and laughing but there was an underlying tone of sadness in the air Emma dug her finger nails into the palm of her hands she had caused this pain. Daisy led Emma all the way to her parents apartment. They entered and everyone stopped what they where doing . Henry and Killian where the only ones in. They got up from where they where sat to greet Daisy.

"Daisy where have you been we where meant to go out for lunch an hour ago" she smiled looking at Emma before walking forward and hugging Killian. "What's wrong kid" Emma felt tears in her eyes and Daisy whispered to Killian.

"I just missed you guys while you were away" Henry laughed "we may not actually be family but I love you guys like family. Henry your like my brother and Killian you are my dad" the three embraced and Emma felt tears slips down her cheek onto the floor she wiped her eyes before turning away and walking out the (purposely kept open) door she sat at the far table in Granny's watching the world go by her mom and dad laughing at funny things Neal was doing. She looked at her brother he was now two years old. She had missed her brothers first steps his first word she wondered if he even knew who she was or had they turned her room in an office put her things in storage erased any thought of her from their apartment. Regina walked into the diner with Roland and Robin Hood. Emma felt jealousy surge with her it filled her up until she was drowning in it. She watched bitterly as Regina held Roland on her lap and smiled having fun not a hint of darkness in her. Daisy emerged from the back motioning to Emma to follow her she did.

Is that why you brought me here so I could see everything I had given up" Daisy shook her head Emma was fuming "what is this some sort of sick game did Zelena put you up to this!" she pushed the girl into the wall pinning her up. "because if she did u I will kill her, you know what I kill the messenger because that sends a stronger message." the girl struggled against the Dark swans grip.

"I've shown you this, to stop you from doing what you're doing now hurting people. I want you too see that no one has given up on you" The Dark Swan let the child go.

"you don't think I can see that! Henry my mom and dad Killian even Regina I can see the pain in their eyes. I caused it Daisy it's all my fault" Emma grasped her head it was all to much she felt like her brain was going to explode from her skull. "I'm a monster I sacrificed myself for them and they're terrified of me I can see it in their eyes they're scared of me" Emma kicked the wall and the abandoned building came crumbling down thankfully missing Daisy.

"You need to calm down, Emma" She made it worse Emma sent the rubble flying at Daisy pinning her by her dress to the wall "Mom you need to stop your going to kill me or worse yourself" Wind swept dust around the town, it howled screaming so Daisy didn't have to.

"don't call me that I'm not your mom you don't want me as your mom" Daisy was not afraid of the Dark Swan she had been sent to save her and that's what she must do.

"your holding back, mom there's a reason you can't feel anything, it's because you don't want to. You need to let it out all the fear you had before you became what you are today" Emma stood her ground as the wind got stronger people where noticing now watching from afar as the Dark Swan seemed to be trapped in a glass case full of emotions.

"I'm scared that I'll hurt someone with this new power so I ran and I hid. I'm scared I'll loose control like before and hurt someone I'm scared My parents won't want me that Killian and Henry won't want me" the wind died down and Daisy shouted above the dust storm.

" You're holding something back mom think why am I here _*how*_ can I be here? " Emma stared at Daisy.

" You look just like your dad you have his eyes" The Dark Swan stopped her eternal storm dropping herself and her future daughter onto the ground with a thump. The rubble kept on zipping around the two "I don't know. why won't it go away? "

"you have to think mom you ignoring it, you know it's there you can feel it you just have to let it in" The ruckus stopped, the rubble stopped dancing and the child stayed on the floor unconscious. The dark Swan stood clutching her stomach guarding herself as the world came into view and the her world, Killian and Henry, came into view. *Killian* she thought, she thought about his blue eyes the way he looked at her, the way he had cared for Henry while she was gone and Daisy the way he had taken her in as his own, not knowing she was his own.

Rumplestiltskin stepped in the way of her view knife in hand he went to stab her shielding herself away from the knife the Dark Swan braced herself for the pain feeling nothing opening her eyes she saw the girl in front of her, her daughter collapsed by her feet. The Dark swan was no longer dark, all the evil and hurt and hatred that was within her was released and Emma fell to the floor cradling her daughters lifeless body in her arms.

"Daisy, come back. Oh God Daisy please" the child did not wake up she did not answer she lay in her mother's lap a small smile on the dead girls face she had completed her mission. Emma tears fell onto the girls corpse. She was dead she had died sacrificing herself so that Emma could once again be Emma.

Emma looked up at her friends who looked back at her just as a bright light shone and Emma felt pain and hatred and love and hurt and happiness all at the same team she was lost but Daisy had helped her find herself. Killian had hold of Henrys hand. They where being held back by her dad and Robin, held back from her. Henry looked into the Dark Swans eyes and her hatred melted replaced by the ache to hold her son.

"Mom, David let me go, Killian please let me go to her" Emma stood looking at Henry and Killian the love in there eyes could they see her?

"you can see me? " Henry nodded running to his mother the no longer the Dark Swan, but still the Dark one, pulling her into his embrace the boy cried for loss of his sister and the finding if his mother.

The town slowly moved away, Robin and David carting Rumple off too the jail. Killian taking Daisy in his arms trying not to cry as he felt the weight of her dead body in his arms, he chocked on tears as he remembered how light she used to be when he would pick her up and spin her around or the time they sat up all night just the three of them on Killian's boat talking about Emma and other things they had lost, how she had fallen asleep on his boat and he'd had to carry her all the way back to the apartment even then, her limp sleeping body had weighed less than this _*maybe it's the weight of her death and the loss we feel*_ he thought as he carried her to the graveyard where Emma her mother her lover and son buried Daisy Jones in the ground. Before they got to the burial ground Emma saw the child's features change her hair turning a jet black and her skin getting darker. The magic of her cloaking spell faiding. This was the real Daisy, not really her daughter but still someone she cared for, the Daisy that Killian and Henry knew, that everyone knew, the little girl who had shown up on there doorstep four moths ago and sacrificed everything for them to have Emma back.

After the burial everyone went back to there respected homes and Emma? She locked herself in her room refusing to see anyone and for hours into the deafening silence of the night she cried for Daisy for the people she had hurt and those unfortunate ones she had killed she had blood on her hands and it wasn't going away it was dripping and a simple sorry wasn't going to soak it all up. Emma was going to have to pay for what she did not physically- no no that's far to easy- but mentally; make her hate herself, questions her judgement, screw her up a little? That should do it. That should do it indeed


	3. Penny for her thoughts

_***AN- suicidal thoughts ahead. Just thought I'd warn you so no one gets to uncomfortable and if you do I'm truly sorry. Also thanks for the reviews. More reviews= more chapters**_

Emma

There was a slight knock on my door so soft it was barely audible if it wasn't for the solace of my room I probably wouldn't have heard it. The quite knock was followed by an even quieter voice.

"Mom, dinners ready, Killian said to come ask if you wanted any" I clamped my hand over my mouth to stop the strangled cries exiting. "I don't know if you remembered but it's my birthday" tears fell silently as I removed my hand. Taking a leap of faith that my voice would sound stable. Two weeks without speaking can't be good for it.

"of course I remembered" I heard a sigh of relief and the hope in Henrys voice made me want to breakdown. He was so happy I bet he hand no idea what I had done. "I got you a present"

"you did, can I come in? " I gave him the Okay and wiped me eyes before my son walked into the room. A year, I missed a whole year of his life to that stupid dagger I missed my baby turning into a teenager. He had grown a lot he was catching up to Killian quickly and was nearly taller than me, there was an air of maturity surround him. I handed him his present it was just a framed picture of the me him mom dad Killian Neal and I. Nothing extravagant. Henry set the picture down looking my dead in the eye. "Mom" I shook my head biting my lip as the tears fell. He pulled me into his embrace. I kissed his hair as I felt his tears dampen my shirt

"my sweet sweet boy, I thought I'd lost you forever" Henry pulled away.

"I know what you did, mom, I know you killed people but I don't care that wasn't you. This is you". I smiled, he didn't get it he was too young when you kill someone anyone who felt pain over it becomes your burden to carry. But still I praised him for his effort. "Are you going to eat with us" I shook my head, I wasn't there yet I wasn't ready to face them yet.

Days passed and Henry made it routine to come and see me every night before he went to bed, he'd tell me about the days how the wind felt on myface and how the sun would bounce of the cars he reminded me what it was like to live made me crave it, but I couldn't every time I went to leave my solitary, the anxiety would build up and up until it had crushed me so painfully, I wanted to feel pain just to remind myself I was alive, I wanted to rip my hair out to cut my skin and watch as the blood cascaded down my wrist tickling my finger tips before landing on my floor, I wanted to die I wanted to open my window and leap to my death to grab a noose a have the sickening crack of my neck be the last thing I hear. I wanted to take a bottle of pills and fall asleep my last memory a nightmare.

But I wouldn't.

I couldn't.

I can't do it.

I can't be that selfish, I have to think about Henry no me but my son and my- No still not ready to admit it yet. But I have to be the longer I keep denying it the worse it's going to be when the truth comes out. So I sit on my bed legs crossed hand on my ears to block the static out and I wrestle with my inner turmoil to slip into a beautiful bed of denial and watch my child die or to take the bumpy road of acceptance in bare feet and have my child live?

Bed every time. Until one day late in the afternoon- a Monday I think. Neal toddled into my room while I'm playing conscience wars tapping my leg.

"Emma" I picked him up hesitantly, sitting him on my lap the little boy runs his hands over my cheekbones tower my eyes, tickling my eyelashes and landing on my nose. Neal kisses my nose and just like that a bumpy road sounds more comfortable than bed. "love you" I kiss his cheek pulling him in close inhaling in his sickly sweet scent of strawberries and cream. Downstairs I could hear mom and dad looking for him. Taking a deep breath I stepped over the threshold and into the corridor.

"taking the bumpy road kiddo" Neal giggled as we walked down the stairs, everyone stopped dead when the saw me. "found him him". No one moved a muscle and if it weren't for the circumstances then I would be laughing at their faces my mom had her mouth wide open like a fish and dad was half grinning half grimacing. I smiled a placed Neal on the floor. My mom and dad got back into action pulling me into a hug dad cradled my head and I sank into their embrace needing- craving love.

"Emma, we're so glad your okay, wow you're better than okay your glowing you're happy" not really wanting to my mom go of on one of her rants I decided to break the news.

"I'm pregnant" they stopped dead I stopped dead realisation hitting me. " Oh God I don't know what to do, what if hook hates me and doesn't want the baby? What if Henry thinks I'm replacing him? What if... What oh my God what if the baby dies" I was spiraling again and quickly my dad grabbed my arms "Daddy I'm scared" Tears slipped down my face and I wiped them away as my dad pulled me into a hug. My mom held Neal and watched from the sidelines.

"I know honey, it's all going to be okay" I pulled away just as the door swung open and Henry and Killian came barging through throwing the groceries on the counter.

"Henry tell your grandparents what we saw, it was the most beautiful- Swan? " I nodded bracing myself for the worst, the you used me. The our first time had no meaning because it was all part of some of your sick and twisted plan. None of it came instead he picked me up hugging me so close. He set me back on the floor leaning in for a kiss. I coughed awkwardly not really ready for him to love me just yet. He kissed my cheek instead.

"I'm sorry" he smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, I looked at Henry who was to busy telling his grandparents about what he'd saw.

"It's okay love, I understand" he was lying, he didn't understand why I was like this he didn't get why I was pushing him away. I felt like smashing my head on the marble counter. He saw it in my eyes the hatred I felt for myself he saw it because he used to feel it too. Killian reached out his hand caressing my cheek, I flinched stepping away. "Emma, hey, I forgive you please don't hide away from me I-" I cut him of tears brimming in my eyes, he couldn't love me not after what I've done he was just pitying me- No, you could see the burning desire in his eyes. He meant it he *needed* it.

"how, Killian how can you still love me after what I did, after what I did to you I'm a monster" I chocked on my tears my voice cracking "I killed people, I hurt people Daisy died because of me" I let Killian pull me to him I accepted his warmth letting it surround me wrapping me up in his love. He didn't try and kiss me again or any day after that in fact he looked at me for permission before going anywhere near me.

The days went on visits from Henry, became more regular as school finished. Small moments between Killian and I where exchanged. Then one night when embracing life and taking the bumpy road was working for me I decided to tell Killian what any one in his situation deserved to know. We lay on the sofa late at night after everyone had laid their quarrels to rest, to be resumed in the morning. I leaned into him and he laced his fingers with mine the simple ring Regina had given me to control my powers sparkling in the moonlight, I loved moments like these so raw and innocent, no underlying meaning just Killian and Emma in the moonlight accepting the truth that had yet to be said.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I smiled lightly before answering.

"It wasn't one sided you know" he sat up turning me around our fingers somehow staying intertwined. "That night on your boat, I know you think it was the Dark one using her wicked way, Killian it wasn't I did... We..." I sighed it was hard to put into words what I felt when I had no words for it. "it started of that way get you to kiss me poison your lips but then I realised that if I ever got out out of this black hole. I would need you, I would need your touch the taste of your lips the way you whispered my name that night I would need all that so that I could become loved. " he was about to cry, tears of happiness and relief.

" Emma" he trailed of there wasn't much more to say.

"I'm pregnant" Killian, for a split second in time looked at me in confusion. I bit my lip waiting his response, you know you see in movies the guy totally freaks out, either in a good way or a bad way so you just expect it too happen in real life. "Killian please say something"

"Are you sure? " I nodded, he brought my hand up to his lips. "Swan you realize what this means right" I nodded and tears stupidly ran down my face "why are you crying?"

"because I'm scared, I've never been a mom before and what I feel now this stress can't be good for either of us" I was spiraling quickly, quicker than usual. I was drown in my guilt and sadness my self pity and my desperate need to feel love he turned me round rubbing my shoulders I melted into his touch, the clock chimed midnight and hook heaved himself up of the sofa ready to leave, I was closer to the ground now rock-bottom was going to happen anytime soon. I grabbed Killian's arm "please stay" he nodded and we lay in my bed and for the first time in what felt like forever, I actually slept. Killian had pulled me out of my black whole of despair and I could see the light. The light that I hadn't seen in so long I smiled as I remember what it was like to love, to be loved one step at a time.


	4. God he needs to clear up his name

***so next chapter please continue to review it means more chapters. I have the end of this story written the question is how many chapter YOU guys want before the end... PS this was the hardest to write I got a really bad case of writers block so advanced apology for crappy content.**

Emma's day started of the same as it had for the past week she got up and watched as Killian made her and Henry breakfast. They would all eat as a family then the pirate and the Swan would walk their boy to the bus stop and wave him of as he joined his friends at the back of the bus. Emma found comfort in the repetitiveness of the routine. The normality of it all. After dropping the boy of they went to the diner and sat peacefully drinking hot cocoa but something was different, the air was filled with paranoia and her parents weren't here. Killian tried to calm her.

"they're ten minutes late Swan it happens" she refused to accept it craving order she expected her parents to arrive every school day at 8:15 after dropping Neal at nursery- No, she needed it. Without a routine Emma could easily revert back to her old ways without this repetitiveness what was there to stop Emma from letting in the grief and guilt she felt?

"Killian, they're never ever late" Killian pulled his lover close trying to comfort her, he asked about the baby. "don't try and distract me-" she was distracted from scolding her pirate as her father burst into the cafe looking like his prized steed just died.

"it zelena" the prince managed to drag out between ragged breaths (Clearly our prince charming isn't as fit as he used to be if running from the park to here has made him almost tachycardic) "she's taken Neal" (I resign my earlier sarcasm and replace it with my condolences for James- David- charming- sheriff or whatever he calls himself nowadays)

The charming softball team and their pirate mascot banded together with the evil queen and her bandit to discuss the predicament which was the missing child. They sat in Granny's exchanging theories on why she had taken the boy. Perhaps it was revenge for them (everyone) getting what Zelena clearly thought she deserved. Maybe the witch had finally lost it.

"Perhaps we should talk to Zelena see what she wants" Hook turned to his friend biting back any comments that came to mind instead trying to be polite.

"No offense mate but that wench isnt exactly someone you can spark up a rational conversation with" they nodded in agreement, so they scrapped the tentative approach and decided to make plans to bereech her home which was already pretty locked up. Finally they came up with a plan of action: Emma and her parents would confront Zelena, Killian and Robin were back up so if anything went wrong they could get them out of there. Regina was to use her magic to incapacitate the witch.

"Emma Swan are you hear to bargin for the life of your little brother" Emma stood her ground no way was she going to let this psychopath get to her "although I doubt there will be much hands on after all, baby comes first right" The pirate bit his tongue to stop the profanities spilling from his mouth like blood from someone with a punctured lung. Emma still kept her calm turning to the witch she stepped forward tentatively not wanting to spook her.

"I have just tell me what you want and you can have it" Zelena flipped her auburn hair over her shoulder walking closer to the dark swan.

"I want my child." The whole room fell silent, she didn't know. How could she not know ?

"Zelena" Emma treaded carefully "you're baby died hours after he was born" the wench's heart broke into a million pieces _her baby was dead._ The whole operation of people stopped getting ready to trap the witch and stood waiting for the Zelena to process the news.

"No" the witch crooked her throat thick with tears. "Hes not...how did...I don't believe you" Emma was suddenly thrown into the wall Zelena's magic suffocating the swan. Regina stepped out from the shadows.

"He died because he was born premature Zelena he died last year I thought you knew" The witch screamed the most blood curling scream in the history of blood curling screams. The witch tightened her grip on Emma's throat. Emma struggled against her foes grip managing to slip her ring of, taking a deep breath Emma blocked out the voices summoning her magic. It consumed Zelena and she still stood rendered magicless but Emma couldn't stop she cringed as she found pleasure in the witches screams as her insides turned to liquid. No one could stop her. Killian cupped her face in his hands wiping away the tears. He had that same fear behind his eyes as everyone else but his was for her not Emma herself.

"Emma you need to stop. Swan...you're killing her stop" Emma physically couldn't _the ring_ the pirate deduced _she needs the ring._ Slipping the ring onto her finger Emma collapsed into his arms letting go of Zelena. Emma choked on her tears catching sight of the witch as her father (charming- David-james-Sheriff) took her back to the hospital, she was covered in welts bleeding from nearly every orifice. "No" the guilt started nipping at her, covering her eyes until the guilt ripped a chunk of her side and she screamed in fear her heart beat quickening. "Emma, look at me not Zelena" he forced his lover to look at him both of them frantic him to stop her from hurting herself and her for wanting to break to down from paralyzing fear. Finally it worked the swan stopped flapping her wings the pirate calmed thewaters and they went home waiting for their boy to get back from school.


End file.
